Been reading through the past 10 entries I've written and I seem to be happier in school. I don't know why I find joy being in school, mostly because your friends are around and you just go crazy with them because they see you for who you are and ah I miss 09A201, we're so crazy together I wonder how all of us can ever forget each and everyone of us. Used to be happier, used to have much less in mind even in the final academic year of the dreaded A's, used to be better at things, now everything is just left to decompose. Rotting, decaying and everything we've learnt seems to be on a decline. Who really remembers them? Now I'm not even sure what I'm pointing at anymore, senseless and it keeps those fingers typing non-stop because they have been deprived of words for so long. Can't seem to remember when I last penned my thoughts properly, picking up a pen seems empty because nothing comes to my mind anymore. Everything comes to a standstill and it's even scarier at night.

After D-Day, I'm being forced to think about my circumstances and change my gameplan (ha!). Not my best and yes, most probably deserved those grades too. The first night was bad, got so scared by the options placed in front of me, it kept my mind so preoccupied, I woke up feeling so mentally drained at the bleak prospects. So naturally, second day was probably the worst, everything negative just came and kept forcing myself to think that it wasn't as bad as I thought, but the more I put such thoughts in my head, the more oppressive the inner demon became. Angst just poured out along with frustation and it was pretty pathetic to see myself moping around the house. I was really depressed and frustrated over the limitations in the courses available and the whole thought of the inflexible Singapore education system left a pretty bad taste in my mouth and the whole idea of the branding of the local universities got me pretty sick in the stomach. Now I realise that we all get too concerned to be defined by the school we get into. Thank goodness for the girls. I was mentally slapped and needed to get a grip over myself and seriously rethink what I should do. And thank you for second options, I've realised everything becomes better once you know and understand what you want. I was definitely too extreme in my negativity and from now on, I can only look forward.

I only wish to do what I want and hopefully everything turns out well.

Selfish at its best. I get really proud when people always ask what camera I'm using cos I know it's good for a non-DSLR. And then I become such a hypocrite, I'll ask them t get the camera and when they do, I'll go all anal shit and do serious ranting. I find it even more annoying when editing is involved, I've always thought the GF1 has always been good enough t capture great quality pictures that doesn't require editing since art filters are found within. Yes, editing does make pictures nicer but overdoing it through contrast and saturation and warmifying w every picture is too much. Each picture, in my belief, should be unique and through editing, pictures should be different from each other. It really annoys me.

And then I know it's time for me t learn using Adobe photoshop t make my pictures better but at the same time, t make my gf1 better, I need t truly understand camera functions, jargons, etc. And at the same time, I really don't know if a DSLR will make my pictures better and must I really go that way? DSLRs also annoy me because they're so mad bulky and everyone's having it too but picture quality makes the camera stand out. It also annoys me that people are getting DSLRs probably cos it looks good and professional? No one really bothers about photography, prolly more concerned how they'll look in the. Etter quality pictures. The only few that I really truly felt that their DSLRs were put t good use are only 2 and they truly capture good moments, good pictures. That's what I want.

This feels empty. And the holidays doesn't feel like the holidays to me. There's this really sick feeling that is stopping me from really enjoying everything. This air of uncertainty, what the future will bring. I'm worried because I know I didn't put in enough, I don't write enough, I never study enough. Preparation was bull. This is eating my head, I'm so worried I keep conjuring up worst case scenarios. People think I'll do fine, but no I don't think so. There's no point in regrets just dread. Come March, I don't know if I can breathe.

Yeah, this feels liberating such that you wake up and have nothing to do. It sucks because you know you're just wasting your time away but you're not doing anything about it because I'm just so damn lazy. What's the point of a to-do list? It sucks my brain out. It doesn't give the same jubilant feeling I get every time I read it, now I don't even know where I've put it. Shopping doesn't give me the same feeling anymore, obviously something's wrong because I'm buying less. More rational, maybe. Because shopping makes me think hard about money, and how I know my dad cannot feed me. I feel sick when I purchase something that I know I can live without, the guilt that comes after the afterglow of shopping and I don't even wear some things. It gets a little annoying when I see people spending money on clothes, it's your parents' money you're spending. I'm sucha hypocrite. But I know that I'm saving my allowances to pay for my own tuition fees, my own trips, my books. I don't even ask for money because that is so... I don't feel right asking for it because I'm not contributing. Well if your parents give you the money, put it to good use. If not, just reject their offer when you know you're not in need of it.

This is my PMS talking.

There's something about tumblr that brings comfort... It makes me wanna do so many things, it puts me at ease and it makes me happy.

I wanna run again. As I'm pinning my hair up, pulling my hair in a ponytail, tying up my laces. Look at the road I'll be running, taking a deep breath and start picking up the pace. I like the first 100m where the rhythm of the heart pumping and the pace of my steps and running with the wind. Then goes the last part where you feel the ache in your calves and sweat on your forehead. Out of breath but feels so damn good.

I wanna read again. I like going to the library browsing through my favourite section, touching the worn paperbacks. A knacker for pretty titles, I'll pick something that catches my eye, turn to the back to catch a glimpse of what holds in between these pages. Satisfied, I'll start reading till late and continue again until my books run out and I can start over. Play repeat.

I wanna be immersed in my favourite music. Browsing through iTunes(did I ever say that I love it to death?) for good songs to make my day, spreading the word about these music that is just awesome. I wanna make mixtapes for my favourite people according to their music taste, I like the guessing and all the effort that it takes to put in the best mixtape for them. Because music is definitely much more than mainstream pop. Definition please.

Tumblr makes me dreamy, so dreamy that they make me think big wanting to do all the things that I can only think of but may not or ever fulfill. So unreal but real enough to make me want to believe.

It's been months since I've touched this space like what, my last post was in June? I've been in touch though on the LJ people's lives and I luv the fact how down-to-earth LJ is, no pretences cos this is the space where everyone pours out their woes to. What's mine? I really wonder.

The past few months, was like a hurricane that just slam you right in the face before that sickly calm when you're in the eye of the storm (Sep hols) and then what do you know, another 33/32days to the start of full blown cyclone. I'm surprisingly calm, not like my results are fantastic, although my last panic attack was... Sep hols. Thoughts are eating at the back of mind and I know I've improved but... It ain't enough.

GP - C
Econs - S
Geog - U
Maths - E
CSE - D

Yep a U for geog sigh whatdyaknw. Ah I should actually be happy that I managed to scrape a S cos I only touched econs the night before the paper like for what, 3hours? Amazing and maths is sucha mood damper. Was expecting much higher like >C and definitely could have pushed CSE higher. Typing this makes me depressed ugh ok time for litho. See you in idk when I'll write here again.

I have no idea why this notion always occur to me every month. Just like night, I wanted to go drinking just like last month before and the month before that. I stopped myself short from texting someone for a quick drinking session. On the second thought, I've always played with the idea of going clubbing but I never really liked the idea because it meant being around with sweaty people, hands everywhere, drunk motions everywhere. I don't like that, no matter how much I like the thrill of drinking alcohol (although the taste does not rub me the same way), I never like to go beyond my limit tho till now I don't know what's mine. I don't like losing control over myself, let loose and have fun, hell yeah, getting drunk and have fun without a mind of what's going on, big fat no. I don't want to numb my senses tho alcohol makes me sleepy, I have to agree that it brings the brazen side of you. I like dancing till my soles are aching, I'm heated up from that boogy exercise yes.

OKay I can't stand reading my own posts because so many of my sentences are punctuated with "I"s, it annoys the hell out of me because it reminds me of how selfish I am/self-centred, maybe I'm just paranoid ugh. And it still annoys me that my conversations with people are littered with "I feel like", "I think" all the "I"s. Sigh.

Burst of random rants running through my head last night, like fireworks in my brain. I still feel like ....

I'm stuck in this whirlwind and over a few months too many things have happened. Sometimes I rly hate my mouth, it voices anything that comes straight to the mind and then i'll regret it immediately. This happened way too many times, way too much :( I shall keep my thoughts to myself!

On a very happy note! I got my new toy I am so so so excited about it :D


Chio! and pictures needless to say! Ok today's gna be a packed day mwah world

My head's been hurting since the match. I'm tired... Not physically, emotionally hell yeah. I'm so sick of how everyone looks at us, we're not worse off than them, we're in fact waaaaay better than this. We deserve so much more but rly it's our own fault. We made the mistakes. Just that instance I rly wanted to break down and cry because of how frustrated the whole game has been. Even looking back I still want to cry. But it's ok because we will move on.

I've never said this but MJ fight on.

I've been so caught up doing idk what and i'm not even sure what i'm catching up with, my work is half done, many untouched, listening in lectures and tutorials fully aware that i rly rly need to start studying especially during geog where i have no idea what is going on (SCREW ATMOSPHERE UP AND DOWN) i feel so stressed out but yet when i take a breather, procrastination kills me. I haven't gone out much but yet my work is all piled up and my notes are in desperate need of sorting and my files bursting which calls for new files and dividers. OMG this can so be a to-do list and I wanna learn driving but I need 36hours a day to fulfill everything.

Rant over. and yes, the work's still there, it hasn't disappeared. Sigh.

In a span of just 4 days, I felt a whirlwind of emotions. Jubliance, sad, anger, disappointment, satisfaction... I can't rmbr what else. Oh on a high side: My theory has been proven right! Tho there's a bit of loopholes. I have no idea why this is considered a high point.

Anw, @electiveamnesia, have loads and loads of fun at your own birthday party! Hopefully, good things come your way.

@redmandms, LOVE YOU!